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The Latest Jokes
Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A. He wanted cold hard cash!
Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus?
A. "Is that you mommy?"
Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.
Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?
A. They take the psycho path.
Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?
A. Cell phones.
Q. What do you get from a pampered cow?
A. Spoiled milk.
Q. Where do polar bears vote?
A. The North Poll
Q. What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?
A. ME!!!
Q. Where do snowmen keep their money?
A. In snow banks.
Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.
Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
Q. What dog keeps the best time?
A. A watch dog.
Q. Why did the tomato turn red?
A. It saw the salad dressing!
Q. What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A. It let out a little wine!
Q. How do you make a tissue dance?
A. Put a little boogey in it!
Q. Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A. At the BP station!
Q. What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A. Odor in the court.
Q. What did the water say to the boat?
A. Nothing, it just waved.
Q. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
A. Dam!
Q. Why don't skeletons fight each other?
A. They don't have the guts.
Past jokes
Check this clip out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a81YvrV7Vv8
Funnies
If you add 3452 and 3096, then divide the answer by 4 and multiply by 6, what would you get?
The wrong answer !
Who invented fractions?
Henry the Eighth !
"Our teacher has a bad memory. For three days she asked us how much is two and two. We told her it was four. But she still doesn't know. Today she asked us again!"
Birds on the mountain,
Fish in the sea,
How you passed math
Is a mystery to me.
How are you doing in arithmetic ?
I've learned to add up the zeros, but the numbers are still giving me trouble.
What makes arithmetic hard work ?
All those numerals you have to carry.
Fred: I got 100 in school today.
Mother: Wonderful. What did you get 100 in?
Fred: Two things: I got 50 in Spelling and 50 in History.
Mother: Well, at least you can add !
I got 100 in an arithmetic test and still didn't pass.
Why not, for goodness sake?
Because the answer was 200.
Why are misers good math teachers ?
They know how to make every penny count !
Previous jokes
Why couldn't the math student get any attention?
He didn't count.
Why was the math student so bad at decimals?
She couldn't get the point.
What do you call 144 cockroaches?
Gross.
How did the little kids like learning addition?
They thought it was a real plus.
If a train is travelling in one direction at 50 miles per hour and another train is coming towards it at 25 miles per hour, when will they meet?
Sooner than they want to.
What did the bee say when it solved the problem?
"Hive got it!"
Which member of royalty is best at math?
The Count.
What would you get if you crossed a dog and a calculator?
A friend you can count on .
How did the student get the answer to ten minus ten?
He zeroed in on it.
Why couldn't the seven and the ten get married?
They were under eighteen.
What kind of tree does a math teacher climb?
Geometry !
What do you have to know to get top grades in geometry ?
All the angles !
What kind of pliers do you use in arithmetic?
Multipliers !
If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
One dollar.
You don't know your arithmetic.
You don't know my father !
Jackie stood quietly as her father examined her report card.
"What is this 45 in math?" asked her father.
"I think that's the size of the class," she said quickly!
If I had five coconuts and I gave you three, how many would I have left ?
I don't know.
Why not ?
In our school we do all our arithmetic in apples and oranges.
If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have ?
Big hands !
The teacher was giving her pupils a quiz on counting. Jackie got things started by counting from 1 to 10. "Now, Fred," said the teacher, "you take over, beginning with 11."
"11, 14, 23, 42, 26," said Fred.
"What kind of counting is that'?" asked the teacher
"Who's counting'?" replied Fred. "I'm calling signals."
If you got $10 from 10 people, what would you have ?
A new bike !
Why was the maths book unhappy?
It had too many problems !
Previous Jokes
The Benoni Boere Computer Dictionary
Log on - Make the braai hotter
Log Off - The braai is too hot
Monitor - Keeping an eye on the braai
Download - Get the firewood off the bakkie
Hard drive - Trip back home without any cold beer
Keyboard - Where you hang the bakkie and bike keys
Window - What you shut when it's cold
Screen - What you shut in the mosquito season
Byte - What mosquitoes do
Bit - What mosquitoes did
Mega Byte - What mosquitoes at the lake do
Chip - A bar snack
Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips
Modem - What you did to the lawns
Dot Matrix - Oom Jan Matrix's wife
Laptop - Where the cat sleeps
Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at KFC
Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks from Checkers
Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed
Mainframe - What holds the shed up
Web - What spiders make
Web Site - The shed (or under the verandah)
Cursor - The old bloke what swears a lot
Search Engine - What you do when the bakkie won't go
Yahoo - What you say when the bakkie does go
Upgrade - A steep hill
Server - The person at the pub what brings out the lunch
Mail Server - The bloke at the pub what brings out the lunch
User - The neighbour what keeps borrowing things
Network - When you have to repair your fishing net
Internet - Complicated fish net repair method
Netscape - When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net
Online - When you get the laundry hung out
Off Line - When the pegs don't hold the washing up
TONGUE TWISTERS
Seventy-seven benevolent elephants
A quick witted cricket critic
Real weird rear wheels
The great Greek grape growers grow great Greek grapes
Rubber baby buggy bumpers
Fred fed Ted bread, and Ted fed Fred bread.
He threw three free throws.
JOKES
Teacher: If I gave you three rabbits today and five rabbits tomorrow, how many rabbits would you have?
Jackie: Nine.
Teacher: That's not right, you'd have eight.
Jackie: No, Teacher, I'd have nine. I already have one rabbit at home!
If you add 3452 and 3096, then divide the answer by 4 and multiply by 6, what would you get?
The wrong answer !
Who invented fractions?
Henry the Eighth !
"Our teacher has a bad memory. For three days she asked us how much is two and two. We told her it was four. But she still doesn't know. Today she asked us again!"
Birds on the mountain,
Fish in the sea,
How you passed math
Is a mystery to me.
How are you doing in arithmetic ?
I've learned to add up the zeros, but the numbers are still giving me trouble.
What makes arithmetic hard work ?
All those numerals you have to carry.
Fred: I got 100 in school today.
Mother: Wonderful. What did you get 100 in?
Fred: Two things: I got 50 in Spelling and 50 in History.
Mother: Well, at least you can add !
I got 100 in an arithmetic test and still didn't pass.
Why not, for goodness sake?
Because the answer was 200.
Why are misers good math teachers ?
They know how to make every penny count !
Past jokes
Why couldn't the math student get any attention?
He didn't count.
Why was the math student so bad at decimals?
She couldn't get the point.
What do you call 144 cockroaches?
Gross.
How did the little kids like learning addition?
They thought it was a real plus.
If a train is travelling in one direction at 50 miles per hour and another train is coming towards it at 25 miles per hour, when will they meet?
Sooner than they want to.
What did the bee say when it solved the problem?
"Hive got it!"
Which member of royalty is best at math?
The Count.
What would you get if you crossed a dog and a calculator?
A friend you can count on .
How did the student get the answer to ten minus ten?
He zeroed in on it.
Why couldn't the seven and the ten get married?
They were under eighteen.
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